OPINION – GM Announces New Gas-Guzzling Hummer (FAUX)

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Lately, given the massive wave of electric vehicles taking the form of pitiful little city cars or soulless crossover SUVs, the American car market has been waiting for change. Though firms like Tesla and Karma are fighting to make EVs “cool,” everyone knows those cars are for pretentious tech investors, and each step forward is marred by three steps backward. Ford, for example, has tarnished 55 years of muscle car pedigree by releasing the crossover, electric Mustang Mach E —high heresy for enthusiasts and Mustang fans. General Motors, on the other hand, has presented a markedly different solution. Reviving the Hummer brand name from the depths of Hell after it was finally killed by the 2008 recession, GM is seeking to capitalize on those in the car market who are fed up with wussy, electric, crossover cars. Thursday, they announced the Hummer Diesel SuperCoal, a true SUV with values, size, and fewer miles to the gallon than the brand name has letters. 

Rumored to make a thousand ft-lbs of torque and 400 horsepower, the SuperCoal is a study in pushing the limits of road-legal diesel power. Forsaking dumb European gimmicks such as “turbochargers” and “catalytic converters,” the new Hummer is powered purely by 13.8 liters of naturally-aspirated, eight-cylinder Duramax piston work. The appeal is universal—modern truck enthusiasts will find its ability to compensate unmatched, while older classic lovers will take pride in its steam-locomotive-like powerplant. GM plans to sell the SuperCoal at only one trim level, but with an available $200 option to skip the hassles every diesel truck owner must face—coating the vehicle with exhaust soot and giving everyone on your street the black lung straight from the factory.