Vermin’s Back for 2020

Sebastian Gould, Staff Writer

There are many candidates for President that voters will have to choose from in 2020. Will you vote for left-moderate and experienced leader Joe Biden? For mold-breaking, mind-speaking incumbent Donald Trump? For people-loving, corporation-fighting Bernie Sanders? Perhaps for a third party candidate who more closely matches your political values. Well, hold your ballot for a moment and listen closely. You may have heard of the boot-wearing, beard-rocking, pony-slinging oddball hero of American presidential elections, but do you know him? This article will prepare you with all the political know-how you’ll need to survive the 2020 election cycle—that is to say, everything you need to know about Vermin Supreme and Spike Cohen. 

There are countless voters, countless Americans, who are sick of the partisan bickering and overwhelming semantics of modern politics. Who cares about healthcare or immigration or, for Pete’s sake, what the people in Ukraine are doing? The American people need a candidate who can truly rise above the system in all its facets and deliver what we really want. Deep down, who doesn’t want ponies, waffles, and a plan for zombie preparedness? This is what the Vermin-Spike ticket is all about—workable policies that speak to what people truly want from the powers of their life. That is why these two Libertarians are promising such implementations as universal ponies for all citizens, a green energy plan built on enslaved zombies, and mandatory oral hygiene. Spike Cohen, Vermin’s VP, promises supplemental policies including a waffle house on every block, a 20mm Vulcan automatic cannon on every pony, and badger. Literally just a badger.

Vermin, who has run in every election since the 80s, and Spike, who reinvented himself after watching the My Little Pony movie, are here to prepare America for zombies and energy crises and please everyone with ponies and waffles. While others promise things they cannot deliver, the Vermin-Spike ticket realistically sets goals with feasible plans such as badger. Register today to truly revolutionize America (and to help make the Libertarian Party look more like the joke it really is, toaster licenses and all).