Michael Townsend, at first glance, is a normal man; he has a mom, a dad, a sister, and a beautiful dog. Not only this, but he is a fellow Oratory Ram, a known British person, and a top scholar within the school. Many could hold the opinion that he is an upstanding and benevolent gentleman; however, the truth is the opposite of this: he is a fraud.

Michael Townsend has many flaws, first off is his obscene hatred of the Irish. I have witnessed countless times an Irish Ram of ours being bullied by the British aggressor, just like in the history books. This Irish Ram, who will remain anonymous, has been asked about these transgressions. He had this to say: “He calls me mean words and makes fun of my heritage, calls us all thieves and that we should all go back to Ireland.” Quite shocking isn’t it, one of the members of the History & Politics Club Triumverate is insulting Irish people. Typical Micheal Townsend if you know his true self. Not only is he against Irish people, but he is also against other backgrounds such as Polish people. When asked about Polish people, Michael had this to say: “The only two Polish people I know are obnoxious.” There must be conflict amongst the Triumverate since the most important member is Polish himself. Furthermore, Polish people are not obnoxious, emphasizing Townsend’s delusions. Michael brings hatred to all those he deems worse than, in his words, the “beautiful, domineering British Empire.” 

As many people know, Michael Townsend is one of the three student leaders of the History & Politics Club. In this regard, he is a tyrant who abuses his power on the, in his words, “measly peasants who listen to us.” If you miss a meeting due to circumstances that you cannot control, he will yell at you as soon as he lays his eyes on you. However, when coming into contact with the other two student leaders, they will understand and tell you what was missed. He also uses his position to spread British Propaganda in a club without any other British members. His tyranny knows no bounds; he will abuse it and use it to bend those to his will. Not only does his tyranny show through his leadership, but through his group projects as well. He often illustrates to the class about CRISPR and its benefits, but behind closed doors, he threatens that he will, “Forcefully edit our genes against our will.” Now me personally, I wouldn’t like that and I assume neither would anyone else. Make sure to keep one eye open while sleeping, you never know who could crawl through your window… it could be Michael Townsend.

There are so many negatives to Michael Townsend’s character — too many to list in this measly one and a half paged paper. However, The Oratory community must know some of the truth behind the horrifying behemoth that he is. If you see this man in the halls, avoid it at all costs. He will wrap his grimy little hands around you and get into your head. He will lead you astray just like the snake in the Garden of Eden. 

*Note: This is a satirical piece. Michael is a wonderful human being!