Oratory Prep’s Faculty Football Team

Throughout my time here at Oratory Prep, I feel the most creative once I’m in Mr. Marsh’s CWP. I don’t know why, but maybe it’s because Mr. Marsh unintentionally gives me ideas to write about just through his sheer understanding of the Oratory Omega. During a normal CWP, I had the bright idea of creating a football team made out of the staff here at Oratory Prep. I’ve never seen a team quite like it, and they seem at this point unbeatable. Here is the roster:


LT: Mr. Marsh 

Mr. Marsh is an absolute menace who always talks about how he beat up his bullies in high school. I can’t imagine anyone getting by this absolute beast. 

LG: Dr. DelTufo 

I watched Dr. Deltufo come into the gym last year in a shirt and tie and, with no warmup, started repping two plates like it was nothing. Nuff said.

C: Mr. Gist

As an athletic director, I can’t imagine anyone else snapping the ball. I’ve also heard rumors that Mr. Gist is in fact a centaur, which may come in handy when blocking players.

RG: Mr. Kauonis 

Kauonis claims to be the second strongest person in this school to Dr. DelTufo. Not really much to say here, just an absolute menace. 

RT: Mr. Van Hoven 

They call him Papa Bruce. Man is an absolute unit. No one’s getting by him. It’s practically impossible. 

WR1: Mr. Seebode 

Mr. Seebode ran for Holy Cross which is a D1 school. I wouldn’t have anyone else there. Joseph Seebode > Tyreek Hill.

WR2: Mr. McCrystal 

Mr. McCrystal just looks like one of those rough and rowdy wide receivers. He also has a Julian Edleman beard which he gets extra points for. He’s also rumored to have hands of gold, so we know he’s getting a lot of touches. 

TE: Mr. Roy 

A former Marine, are you kidding? Mr. Roy just gives me Travis Kelce vibes. He’ll blow right through any corner or linebacker you’ll find. 

QB: Father Dooley

I’ve seen Father Dooley throw a football around now and again, and he looks very good. They don’t call him Dooley Dimes for nothing. 

RB: Mr. Daugherty 

Does anyone see the video of Daugherty absolutely firing a handball into a goal, while also doing a Derek Jeter move from the corner? We’ve all seen that video? Ok, next. 

FB: Mr. Tafel 

Mr. Tafel just seems to have that fullback mentality. His experience in hockey will be good for lighting someone up for a block, just like checking someone in hockey. 



(If anyone I did on offense is on defense they’re there for the same reason)


Safety: Mr. McGowan and Mr. Hedengren

Both of these teachers will have that height advantage, no ball is getting thrown over them. 

Corner: Mr. Gordon

Mr. Gordon has one of the best eyes around. He’s sniped more people that have been on their phones than I can count. Gordon would be able to be the most vigilant player on the field. 

C: Mr. Blauner

I asked JB what position to put him in and he said he could lock up anyone. So we’re good here. 

LB: Mr. Maybe and Mr. Klarmann 

I feel that these two would make a dynamic duo when it comes to shutting down an offense. 

Kicker: Mr. Barresi

He’s the soccer coach and a former OP soccer alumni. He’ll get the job done. 

Referee: Mr. Hughes

I’ve seen Mr. Hughes umpire baseball games so I feel he already has that referee experience. 

Head Coach: Mr. Costello

Head of school = Head coach.


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