The Secret Life of Garrett Hall

Garrett Hall, Staff Writer

Inspired by the short story “The Secret Life of Walter Mitty” by James Thurber 

Frank the Tank, the albino ostrich I was riding, let out a massive booming noise as he lept over a downed tree. The skies opened up as we sped through the Amazon rainforest. There were just a few miles left in the Semi-Annual Doritos Extreme Ostrich Trot Classic, and I was in the lead. I was confident in both my and Frank’s abilities and thought it was all but over. Suddenly The General, from The General Auto Insurance, pulled up beside me. He was riding a behemoth of an ostrich that truly earned the title big bertha with its 300 pound, 7-foot tall frame. As I continued on, I looked closer at Bertha and noticed it wasn’t an ostrich at all. It was 15-time NBA All-Star Shaquille O’Neal on all fours with a piece of paper that said “big bertha” taped to him. Frank and I trotted hard, but we just couldn’t keep up. The General was going to win. With the finish line in sight and him having a commanding lead he started singing his victory song 

“For a great low rate you can get online, go to the General and save some…” 

Boom! The General and Shaq flew into the air in a massive explosion of flavor! I couldn’t believe my luck, they had hit one of the world-famous cool ranch landmines. The patented technology sent an explosion of Doritos laced with flesh-eating bacteria at the unlucky victims. While the bacteria ate their legs, the razor-sharp Doritos bits secreted a chemical that attracts Giant Ground sloths. Moments later, Frank the Tank trotted over the finish line to the sound of The General pitifully crying for help as the sloths slowly tore him apart. By winning this race, me and Frank, and the next two teams to finish, punched our ticket to the show: The Annual Mountain Dew Ultra Extreme Golden Cup Walrus Flop (walrus race on land) Grand Prix, sponsored by Doritos. The second-place finisher was Scrappy-Doo, driving a rusty 1996 Subaru Legacy with a picture of an ostrich called Fat Pat glued to the roof. Finally, Serbian politician and former professional water polo player, Vanja Udovičić crawled over the finish line in his neon maroon Uzbekistani flying horn-tailed ostrich. At the trophy presentation, I entered a state of pure euphoria. As I was receiving the golden Dorito from Abraham Lincoln and Snoop Dogg, I snapped back to reality and continued learning how to find particular solutions using initial conditions and separation of variables in calculus.