To the Colleges that Rejected Me…

Brian Kelly, Staff Writer

Don’t worry, I am not mad. I am just disappointed.

I understand that you have many good students to choose from and you just didn’t think that I measured up. Fair enough, I don’t take it personally. That being said, I want you to know that I have placed an intergenerational ban on attending your college upon all of my descendants, effective until the day of eternity. The official document has already been drafted (with multiple witnesses at hand) and is in the process of being notarized. Not a single soul proceeding forth from me will ever apply to your college, attend, or give even a single penny to any program at your university.

I plan to have many children (adoption being an option). Each of these children will then be raised in such a manner that I shall average 10 grandchildren per child. I also expect to have similar numbers among my great-grandchildren. Thus, in only 100 years, I suppose that I shall have around 2,000 college-age descendants, all of whom shall never apply to any of your institutions. In 200 years, That number will be closer to 20,000.  In 300 years, my descendants should number in the millions. By then, they shall likely be running several universities of their own, and perhaps a small nation-state.  But you shall receive nothing from us.  Make no mistake, you have started an intergenerational war, one which I, and my future firstborn, Magnus Kelly, are determined to wage and win. You have been warned. Remember compound interest. We multiply quickly. You better hope I don’t have twins.