3v3 Basketball Power Rankings

Image+courtesy+of+The+Undefeated

Image courtesy of The Undefeated

Matthew DeAngelis, Staff Writer

After the dodgeball power rankings came out, people were very upset with Arnav Chahal and I (Matthew DeAngelis) for where we ranked the teams and we are here to say right now. We are right and you are wrong. Arnav has been developing the world’s most complex scientific formula and with it, we produce the most accurate power rankings known to man. If you have an issue with them then just from us wrong out on the court. WE WANT ALL THE SMOKE!!

1. Biren’s Car Wash: Noah Falcon, Victor Larach, Michael Greco-

BING BONG! This team is almost as stacked as the Knicks roster and is a certified lock to win it all as the odds-on favorite (-850) to win the championship. With Noah “750 club member” Falcon ready to lay the lumber in the paint, Michael “Guppy” Greco takes names and ankles, and Victor “The Hammer” Larach putting opponents on posters this team has everyone else quaking in their boats.

2. Argentinian Hook Shots: Alex Werbaneth, Enzo Canali, and Tommy Conniff

This team is composed of Duke commit Alex Werbaneth who is rumored to have an offer to play for the Knicks, Enzo Canali who is going to play for the Shanghai Sharks and has a mentor in Yao Ming, and finally, Lehigh commit Tommy Conniff. While Tommy is the tallest, Enzo and Werbs will be doing the heavy lifting. However, there have been rumors circulating that the team morale is at an all-time low with chemistry that has seen better days. These three will have a tough time unless they engage in some team-building activities such as doing a human pyramid or the Cha-Cha slide.  

3. One Too Many Cheeseburger University: Matt DeAngelis, Garrett Hall, Gerard Fargiano

This team is the top-rated because frankly, they are the best. The Red Mamba, Garrett Hall, is known to have worked with Coach K, Mr.Kaounis, throughout middle school and his jumper is immaculate. Gerard is also dangerous and is said to have a 37 inch vertical and is able to dunk with ease. DeAngelis– aka big body Matty D–is known to hit threes.

4. Jesus’ Gentlemen: Nick DeRosa, Justin DeVomecourt, Conor Heffernan, Matt Chappelear

This team is ready to put their Holy Trinity offense into action and using the power of God himself they will damn opponents to the eternal hells of the basketball courts. DeRosa and Heffernan man the backcourt with their filthy handles as Justin and Matt run a dynamic duo front count full of oops and slams. They are going to pray a decade of the rosary and then rip your head off and drain a three.

5. Emily’s Team: Connor Sensinich, Jack Cuddihy, Jack Callandriello 

This team is a dual-threat with Jack Cuddihy and Jack Callandriello. Calandriello– aka Chubbs– is dangerous with a 97mph fastball. It makes one question why Mr. Maybe unjustifiably cut him from the baseball team. He is also extremely athletic and is known to be able to hit threes left and right with fantastic playmaking skills. Jack Cuddihy aka Grande Rojo, Big Red, is a ginger who is known to have some spice. One time in Business class when Mr. Gaertner did not give him a 100 on his business proposal; he ripped his shirt off and challenged Mr. G to a 1v1 in basketball. He absolutely dominated Mr. Gaertner, posterizing him and embarrassing him so much he had to leave the state. The weakest link on the team is Connor Sensenich. This team will be a guaranteed lock for the finals if Connor gets back in the lab.  

6. Gus2 + Bergin: Gus Bowen, Gus Russo, Kieran Bergin 

The Gus-Gus dynamic on this team is a powerful one-two punch that not even the fiercest of MMA fighters would be ready for.  The mesmerizing play by these two is rounded out by the “The Round Man” Kieran Bergin. If he manages to take a break from teaching Calc Honors or single-handedly keeping Golden Corral in business this team is destined to make a final four appearance and possibly cut down some nets. 

7. LeBron’s Children: Aidan Fahy, John Olohan, Christopher Nikolopoulos 

Did Lebron actually father these three children? With their basketball ability, I see that as a very realistic possibility. Aidan, John, and Chris are all 5-star recruits with multiple D1 offers but the real question is are they good enough to win on their own, or in classic LeBum fashion do they need a super team?

8. The Rams: David Ibiefo, Will Kostka, Emmett Caughey, Luke Gardner

To name yourself after the school’s mascot requires you to have levels of talent seen nowhere else in the school and that is the case with this team. Will Kostka holds the school record for most full-court shots made in a row, Luke Gardner already has 24 D1 offers, David Ibiefo once dunked on a 25 ft hoop, and Emmett Caughey actually invented the game of basketball so there is no doubt in my mind this team wipes the floor with their opponents.

9. The Brianators: Max Terraciano, Evan O’Dowd, Brian Kelly

The Brianators are going to be a force to be reckoned with. These athletes all have tremendous endurance as they have run cross country in some form. However, the man to watch out for is Brian Kelly also known as “Never Bricks Kelly” and is said to have never missed a three-point shot in his life.  

10. Ben Franklin Inc.: Collin Beard, Matt Seelagy, Ciaran Kelly, Joe Anthony

This team of juniors is named after Ben Franklin because they keep it 100. Collin Beard is a lock-down rim protector after his years of defending the net on the ice, Matt Seelagy will use his baseball prowess to drain jumpers from the midrange. Topped off by the resounding and astounding duo of Ciaran Kelly and Joe Anthony, this team will definitely be putting on a show.

11. Ultimate Rejects: Matt Alexandre, Nicholas Scantlebury, Kyle Gann, Michael Buonaiuto

This is one word that describes this team: “Dawg”. Let’s talk about them. Matt Alexandre: Dawg. Nicholas Scantlebury: Dawg.  Kyle Gann: Dawg. Michael Buonaituo: Dawg. And as they say “Dawgs gotta eat” and this team is starving.

12. Sir Rothman: Sutton Collins, Eric Gun, Sam Rothman

With OP Puck defenseman Sutton Collins running the PG this team is most definitely going to be an offensive powerhouse.  Hopefully Eric Gun can use those karate kid moves to knock out the competition while Mr. Rothman can throw down some devastating dunks in transition. Keep an eye out for this team as a sleeper pick to win it all.

13. Triple Threat: Robbie Costello, Patrick Conniff, Sean Van Hoven, Gabe Costa 

Triple Threat is stocked up with athletes including some rising basketball and soccer stars. Robbie Costello will hope to carry over his intramural dominance to this tournament, while SVH will use his soccer abilities to give his team the edge. If all else fails will Pat Conniff, 10th-grade rep, might pay off the refs and rig it for his team. While they may have some star athletes, this division is stacked with some all-stars so they better come to play.

14. GBP: George Fagan, Brody Henderson, Patrick Barret 

GBP takes the initials of each player’s first anime. With this type of comradery, the chemistry of this team will be serious, allowing them to beat teams who may be more skilled but don’t have great chemistry. These neophytes will be looking to push the pace against their elders and capitalize on their youth advantage. Will youth beat experience? Only time will tell.

14. The Big 3:  Sean McEvoy, Charles Kline, and Kingston Nnadi

This big 3 rivals that of the ‘94 Bulls or the ‘16 Cavs. McEvoy, Kline, and Nnadi are ready to lace up the shoes and play good ole fashion bully ball and teams need to watch out. The slams and jams that this team will be throwing down are almost destined to make the ESPN 10 and I would put my money on this team going very far.

14. Doritos Shy Guys: Keegan Murphy, Ryan Grapkowski, Kanayo Iwelumo, and Tremayne Quarrie

Word on the street is that this team went directly to the headquarters of Frito-Lay and was immediately given the largest sponsorship in athletic history. If that does not strike fear into the hearts of their opponents then clearly you do not know enough about these athletes. Their name might be shy but they are not shy about dishing out beatdown on the court.

15. Mr. Camp’s Disciples: Asher Bradley, Julian Stauffer, Max Cook

A reading from the Book of Mr. Camp: Anyone foolish enough to engage in a battle of basketball skills against Bradley, Stauffer, and Cook will immediately be turned to ash by their dynamic pick and roll offense and hard-nosed defense. This team will be dishing out L’s faster than Mr. Camp dished out 60’s on presentations.

16. Nap Time: Ryan Tole, John Pirone, John Wisniewski

Named after OP basketball star Mike Pirone this team is looking to harness some of his basketball power. Also on this team is Mike’s brother, John, who is a basketball aficionado in his own right. This team has a rising varsity tennis star in Josh Jones. If he can convert his tennis skills onto the basketball court, who knows what could occur.  

17. Team By Day: Luke S, Dylan m, Harry s, Cole p 

Word on the street is this team just all committed to Seton Hall University to lead them to a National Championship so they are definitely going to be a strong contender in their division and I personally witnessed Luke dunk over Jesus himself and then telling him to “check yo ankles fool”.

18. The Three Stooges: Brandon Madrigal, Elijah Pagan, Laurent Antoine

Who knew that Moe, Larry, and Curly could hoop? These three did. This team is loaded with deep threats such as Brandon Madrigal and Elijah Pagan who will look to splash the rock from beyond the arch. Will Laurant Antoine be able to use his business prowess to take a stranglehold on the competition? Only time will tell.

19. Mr. Camp’s Antique Shop: Ronan Davis, Jack Pastore, Andrew Temo, and Seamus Vail

With a name like Mr.Camp’s Antique Shop, this team has to win it. If they possess even a shred of Mr.Campobello’s basketball prowess it is over for their competition. I once saw Mr.Campobello lace up against prime Michael Jordan, who he defeated then afterward made him make a presentation about how he is not the Greatest of all Time and then gave him a 73 on the presentation. With 3 kids from the hockey team, it is no doubt that all four of them will be working their bags off.

20. (Basketball Team): Quinn Boylan, Nico Stauffer, Kevin Colandrea, Declan Mann

As they say in basketball, let’s do that basketball. And it is tough to think of anyone who does that basketball better than these four. All academic weapons are ready to showcase not only their brainpower but also their athletic stardom. Q-ball Boylan combined with Nico “the flow” Stauffer, Declan “technical foul” Mann, and Kevin “Business 1 professor” Colandrea are ready to rip the throats out of their opponents.

21. Chacon, Parks, Bradley: Jack Chacon, Rodney Parks, Shay Bradley

With a relatively straightforward name, this team is all business.  Under the tutelage of ESPN’s top Draft prospect and captain of Donda academy Jason Auriegmma, this team will have no mercy as Chacon drains it from downtown, Parks dishes the rock like a server at a restaurant, and Bradley puts anyone stupid enough to get in his way right on a poster..  

22. Cranvegas Knights:  Liam Quinn, Anthony Palm, Harrison Healy. 

While they have a relatively unknown roster this team of middle schoolers could upset the competition with a lot of unrealized potentials. 

23. The Gents: Christian Benedetto, Sal Garcia, Joseph Bateh, John Conniff

This team of middle schoolers will be sure to bring “the heat” to the tourney. With John Conniff, a star point guard, on the court, this team will be racking up points.

24. The Three Musketeers: Meade Gibbons, Taylor Modeski, Ryan Barry

If the clutch gene runs in the Gibbons family, Meade will be taking other players’ ankles. Not to mention his first name is the same as that of famous OP alumni Joey Meade, and if he can bring out Joe Meade’s spirit it will be over for the competition.

25. Hoosiers: Dante Iannitelli, Tommy Hunt, Aidan Walsh, Jahson Scantlebury

This team is going to be dangerous on the courts. Their main star is Scantlebury. After Scantlebury crosses up his opponents he will then absolutely school them in economics; this is expected because he is on the Fed Challenge team which is led by Arnav Chahal– one the most legendary economists to grace the school second to only the businessman Joseph Marchese.  

26. The Chillin Ones: Jack Byrne, Dean Webber, and Georgii Vorobev

This relatively unknown team could be out to make a name for themselves in this tournament by taking the title for this division.  Stranger things have happened before.

27. Shake and Bake: Matt Terraciano, Jack Wilson, and Gary Siatta

With a name as iconic as shake and bake this team will be gunning for the win as “You’re either first or last.” Matt Terraciano, aka Tuna, will be snatching ankles left and right. Wilson will use his hockey skills to defensively pick apart every one of their opponents. Gary Saitta aka the most swole man at OP will be playing physically and walking all over any opponent who is unfortunate enough to guard him. 

28. Muffin Mafia Tax Evaders: Luis Lapenta-Sira, Mark Jacobello, Patrick O’Neill

The Muffin Mafia Tax Evaders? Has this team actually been selling muffins and not reporting their earnings to the federal government, if so we know one thing, this team is scared of no one. If the IRS and 5 years in jail do not scare this team, what will?

29. Dooley’s Dudes: Brendan Basile, AVH, Matt Sturchio 

This team of athletes will be someone to watch out for. AVH is dangerous on the soccer field, and Sturchio has Mr.Blauner’s respect which is not easy to gain. 

30. The Cookie Monsters: Luis Cueva, Nick Parent, Dylan MacNaughton, Andrew Zapata

One thing to expect from the cookie monsters is their fierce desire to win. Like the Cookie Monster from Sesame Street, they will be motivated by their desires to eat cookies. This desire will lead them right to the finals.  

31. Average Joes: Ben Kanne, James Milton, Declan Kelley, Joey Dirienzo

The Average Joes will be a team to watch out for. While the namesake is from a dodgeball movie, who knows what could happen.  After all with Declan Kelly on the team, brother of BK star point guard, this team is a force to be reckon with. 

32. Waste Management Crew: Nico Marchisio, Anthony Bibbo, Ryan Manahan

The Waste Management Crew will be cleaning up on the courts. Any team who was to play them will have a tough time.  

32. Russ Nelson’s Children: Russ Nelson, TJ McCarthy, Jake Rinsky

Russ Nelson is known to be dangerous on the court and in the federal courts. The Recent lacrosse Depauw commit and avid headbang wearer can pick apart a team easily. Jake Rinsky is also a star basketball player who will be tough to guard. Finally, TJ is the most athletic of the group, his fastest mile time is 5:37, and his max bench is 255lbs. It has been said he once stopped an armed robbery at Smoothie King by standing up to the robber and due to his insane speed he was able to beat the robber saving a 2-month-old baby.  

33. The Han Dynasty: Alex Han, Cristian Simms, Kavi Patel-Jhawar

The Han dynasty is led by the fearless leader Alex Han who is said to be partly related to Yao Ming and Genghis Khan. Kavi and Cristian are known basketball stars which will allow them to walk over some of the other teams. 

34. D1 Commits: John Cooney, Ryan Santoriello, Christian Waldman

D1 Commits? Is this team hiding something that Oratory does not know about? Could these players be committed to Duke basketball with Alex Werbs? If so they are going to mop up on the court. It is said John embodies the spirit of RJ Barrett and now that they mention they are D1 Commits, I once saw Ryan do a 360 windmill dunk in gym class.  

35. Born Ballerz: Cole Schickling, Josh Jones, Chris Milan. Sub: Connor Tole

Born Ballerz will be doing anything but ballin. It seems they have a player who is already on another team on their roster. This means that we could see this team getting disqualified unless they sort this issue out quickly.  

36. Peel Team 6: Tyler Gobel, Aidan Murphy, Xander Misrahi

The winner of the dodgeball tournament is coming to play some basketball. While this team did win in dodgeball, it will be a lot harder in basketball; this is because they do not have their star BK. They might lose on the courts, but they will always be number one in our hearts.  

37. Modell: Samuel Nnadi, Kingston Nnadi, Mo Opeyemi-Ajayi

With a relatively unknown roster, there are many possibilities for this team. With a team name of Modell after a sporting goods store, maybe they are sponsored? Who knows, and this shroud of mystery is what makes this team so dangerous.  

38. The BW’s: Evan Guirguis, Bobby Bajkowski, Rome Brachfeld. 

The BW’s will be a team to watch in this tournament. While it will be hard for them to win it all, they could definitely come close and stand a fighting chance against some other teams.  

39. UKentucky ‘26: Ethan Fernandez, Angus Kupinas, Robert Grasso, Adam Matos 

This team of seniors is on the weaker side with only one saving grace. Ethan Fernandez will have a tough time on the court as he bricks every shot he takes and cannot even touch the net of a basketball hoop with his abysmal hops. His basketball skills are said to be so horrible that one time when he was playing basketball on a public court, Michael Jordan walked by, took the ball, and just told him to stop playing the sport before walking away. Angus and Adam will also have a tough time because they are not primarily basketball players. Rob Grasso will be carrying the team; his three-point shots, layups, and dunks are all immaculate.  He is said to shoot 500 three-point shots a day in his backyard and spends every weekend perfecting his jump shot. 

40. Jiggy Fam: Grayson Thompson Nick Servitto, Max Ince

Another solid team in a division that could go multiple different ways. Such an interesting team name makes them wonder if they are trying to have their opponents underestimate them before defeating them. 

41. Team Why Not: William Olohan, Michael Pirone, Greg Jones, Chris Cowell

This is a solid team that could upset some big senior teams. If they use their sub correctly they might be able to outwork some of the other teams.  

42. The Cereal Killers: Maximo Dattolo, Logan Costello, William Foldy

A team loaded with two student council members will most definitely law down the law on the court. Rounded out with Logan Costello, this team is destined to take home the championship, and if not they might rig it in their favor. How the murdering of cereal impacts the game of basketball is still to be seen, but I am sure it will be interesting to watch play out.

43. Shootas: Daniel McCarthy, Jack Maenpaa, Joe Catalano

This team of juniors will have a tough time up against some other teams. Under the leadership of TJ McCarthy’s brother, Dan, they might just have a shot.

44. NFC Beasts: John Shalhoub, Michael Kupetz, Patrick Feit, Dylan Zwally

NFC Beasts will have a tough time in a division dominated by senior basketball stars. Unless Michael Kupetz can use his calc honors knowledge, this team might be toast. With this said they might be able to nudge out some of the weaker senior and junior teams. Patrick Feit is still nursing an ACL injury, but he should be in good enough shape to play by the time of the tournament. 

45. Jason Aurigemma, Max Labianca, John Clarke

Going with no team name is a bold choice, but these kids love to be bold. John Clarke might take out his trusty 9 iron and try to hit a nice baby fade into the basket, while Max Labianca will use insider knowledge of the shoe industry to ensure that his team is wearing on the greatest of foot mittens. This team is rounded out by Jason Aurigemma who his team refers to as “the rabbi” will look to take his team to the promised land. Will this motivate them to ball out even more in his honor? I think so.  

46. Klarmenn: Mark Julian Cohen, Kevin Parker, Hunter Franzese

With a name like Klarmenn, you bet this team will be a competitor.  Mr. Klarmann is known to be an animal on the courts famously dunking on Tommy Conniff and hitting 14 consecutive 3 pointers.  This team will use Mr. Klarmann’s coaching to be lethal from three and if they can lock down the paint on defense I would say this could be a true Cinderella story.

47. Inner Demons: Henry Bolster, Jalen Brogdon, Ben Gaffney

Is this team fighting their inner demons or are they the inner demons? With a lethal lineup of well-rounded players, this team looks to harness the power of Satan and annihilate the other teams. Jalen, Henry, and Ben look to continue their dominance from their days at intramurals and lead a push to a title. Like the demons you face from eating the queso at chipotle, only time will tell how potent they will be.