On Santa

On Santa

Brian Kelly, Staff Writer

As we have now reached November, and therefore entered into the Christmas season, I think it is high time to address the problem of Santa Claus. Santa Claus is a home invader. He spies on children, tempts them with presents and candy, and runs a gulag in the arctic filled with elven slaves. He is so fat that he is nearly bursting at the seams, and does nothing for 364 days of the year. 

Despite having the technology to travel at the speed of light and create toys limitlessly, he refuses to utilize it for the general good of humanity except for one day of the year. He instigated a rebellion against the Burgermeister Meisterburger, throwing a formerly peaceful town into a bloody civil war.

Thankfully, the bomb missed and no one was hurt

He encourages a bully culture among reindeer, allowing for and even encouraging discrimination based on the color of one’s nose. He sows discord and distrust among children and parents and sends Mrs. Claus off to do his dirty work with the Snow and Heat Misers. It is time to say goodbye to Santa.