Monsters at Oratory?


Brian Kelly, Staff Writer

A little while back, young-gun journalist Garrett Hall published an article that is becoming perhaps the report of the century. In his piece, Garrett Hall made shocking and convincing allegations that athletic director Mr. Gist is indeed a centaur. For more information, read the article itself, but just to give a taste of the high-level journalism performed by “Little Red”, here is the shocking picture Garrett was able to obtain. It is quite amazing.

After reading Mr. Hall’s article, I was superlatively impressed and got ready to call my friends over at Pulitzer to get the man an award. However, being the investigative journalist that I am, I immediately had a hunch that there was more to the story than had yet been uncovered. Because of this, I decided to do more research in this area and after several months of searching and sleuthing, as well as several assassination attempts on my life, I believe I have been able to thoroughly unravel the thread which Garrett discovered. Prepare to have your mind blown.  

I have come to believe that there is not merely one non-human sentient present at Oratory, but that there is in fact an entire troop of alien monsters. After I was convinced that Mr. Gist is indeed a centaur, I began to recall a distant memory I had of my time in Norway. Being a descendant of the Norse, I have a great interest in their mythology. While most of it is just pagan nonsense and garbage, there is one particular legend that always caught my eye–the Kraken. The Vikings preserved many records of the terror the Kraken caused among their shipmen. It grabbed boats and dragged them into the deep and swallowed up sailors whole. It was the greatest creature in the sea, tripling whales in size, a truly terrible thing. Several years ago, when perusing these records, I found a vaguely familiar picture, which I at the time thought little of. Painted on a tapestry around 1100 AD, this image depicted the Kraken dragging a Russian boat down into the icy waters around Svalbard. Upon reading Garrett’s article on the existence of centaurs, my mind was strangely drawn back to this painting. I immediately traveled back to Norway, and upon locating it in a museum, I knew I had hit journalistic gold. Below is a facsimile of the tapestry.

That is right. It appears beyond all reasonable doubt that Max Terraciano is indeed a Kraken. I always thought he did not have the right amount of limbs, but never before had I any incentive to count. Armed now with the knowledge that there were not one but two mythical creatures present at Oratory Prep, I continued my search.

As the regular readers of The Omega know, in recent times I have been accused on multiple occasions of being a communist. Of course, all the allegations which have been made are categorically lies and I deny them all. I bring this up, however, to once again look for the motive for which these accusations were made. I have already postulated two reasons for why Matt Deangelis (the head honcho behind the slander operation), so viciously attacked me, namely, that he is a communist and Richard Nixon supporter. I would now like to put forth a third reason. Matthew DeAngelis is BOB from Monsters Vs. Aliens.  

I always thought something was fishy with Mr. Deangelis. I am not sure whether it was his cerulean pigment or muculent handshake or perhaps even his disdain for reporters named Derek which first tipped me off, but something was different about him. With the surfacing of this new photographic evidence, it now is clear just what.  

After my discovery of these two monsters, I hit a bit of a wall. It turns out, despite reports saying otherwise, John Jack “Big Red” Cuddihy is just a regular dude. I was beginning to think that all the monsters at Oratory had been revealed when suddenly, I remembered someone. Someone who had strength far beyond that of mortals. Someone who struck utter terror into all of his enemies. Someone whose battle cry shook the very foundations of the mountains. By now I am sure you have guessed who it is and what they are. It is to my shame that I did not discover it sooner. Mr. Kaounis is indeed a Yeti.

At this point in my investigation, I decided to look for an explanation of why all of these incredible creatures were congregating around Oratory and why they were revealing themselves now. At first, I thought that Max might have lived in the pool on the roof of Bain, but despite its Olympic size, it did not seem likely that it could house a Kraken. Then it hit me. The turf is getting renovated. Being the largest continuous piece of turf in Union County, it could easily be hiding a subterranean ocean underneath it fit for a Kraken, a track for a centaur, a cave for a yeti, and a room for a blob of gel. John Cuddihy’s rocket of a goal in the Paramus Catholic game likely awakened the creatures and all of the work being done on top must have disturbed the creatures underneath. I quickly went to investigate, but cannot seem to remember what I saw. I did however discover this photo on my camera. I do not know what it means. I will let you be the judge of that…