Is Mr. Gist Secretly a Centaur? (Definitely)  

Is Mr. Gist Secretly a Centaur? (Definitely)  

Garrett Hall, Staff Writer

Since Oratory’s founding in 1907, many different myths and legends have arisen about the school and its staff. Even though some of these stories, like the classic tale of Mrs. Gribbin and the secret room or Mr. McCrystal’s expedition to the top of DeGaeta, have seemingly no truth behind them, recent events have led to the uncovering of, perhaps, Oratory’s best-kept secret.  

The following is a police report courtesy of the Summit Police Department.  

At midnight on October 1, 2021, police received noise complaints from Oratory’s neighbors claiming that they couldn’t sleep because of a loud thumping sound coming from DeGaeta Hall. Assuming that it was just the bass from one of OP’s famous midnight ragers, Summit Police Department sent rookie detective Rusty “Stone Rock” Nel to investigate the issue. According to police reports, Rusty rolled into the parking lot at 12:02 in the morning ready to kick “Thirty to Forty” rowdie students out of the Jewel of Summit (DeGata Hall), but what he would find was anything but students. At 12:04, Rusty reported hearing the noise for the first time: “It sounded like a Bloat of Hippos, reaching their top speed of 30 MPH,  thundering across the Serengeti.” At 12:05, Rusty fashioned his Oratory Prep police ID, which he wore around his neck on his school-approved lanyard and swiped his way into the building at the main entrance. Rusty was clearing the offices and classrooms on the top floor when he heard the noise coming from the gym. At 12:08, he reached the entrance and threw the doors open, at first he saw nothing, but then out of the corner of his eye, he saw a massive figure barreling towards him. He tried to turn and stop it but it was too late. At 12:20, Rusty was shaken awake by Oratory’s resident Athletic Director Mr. Patrick Gist. Gist claimed to be working late in his office when he heard a crash by the DeGata gym. He rushed upstairs and found Rusty Knocked out cold and shook him for six minutes until he woke up. At 12:35, Rusty returned to the Summit Police Station and filed a report troubled with the events that had just taken place. 

After coming across this report, my team of top-tier analysts decided to further investigate the incident, and uncover the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. First, we had to lay out the facts. After receiving complaints of a loud thumping noise coming from Oratory Prep Detective Rusty “Stone Rock” Nel entered the DeGata Hall building to investigate. He discovered the source of the noise to be some living entity that possessed blinding speed, but was knocked out before he could gain further information. Twelve minutes later Rusty was shaken awake by Mr. Gist who claimed to have been working late. The important part of this was that Mr. Gist also claimed to have run up the stairs right away and shaken Rusty for only six minutes. After employing next-gen sabermetric analytics, powered by Amazon, we were able to calculate that it takes 45 seconds for the average OP faculty member to reach the gym from the athletic offices. This left 5 minutes and 15 seconds of unaccounted for time between when Mr. Gist heard the noise and reached the gym. This time could have been used for any of the limitless amounts of  5 minutes and 15-second activities available like making 5 and a quarter bags of minute rice, watching 4.7% of the blockbuster film Ratatouille, or perhaps changing form.

After asking around the school we came to realize that Mr. Gist spends a good portion of his day working at his desk, this means that he also spends a good portion of his day with his legs concealed from the public eye, almost like he is hiding something. In search of the answer, we tapped into the school’s security cameras and began watching footage from outside the athletic offices on October 1st. At first, we weren’t sure what we were looking for, but we knew we were in the right place when we saw a blur of light fly past the offices at 12:00 am. Upon slowing the footage down we realized that whatever it was, was moving too fast to be caught on camera. Our only hope was to continue watching and hope that it slowed down. At 12:14 am the blur of light burst out the stairwell and screeched to a halt, suddenly it all made sense the thumping, the concealed legs, the insane speed, Mr. Gist is a centaur.

Pictured in the photo above Mr. Gist secretly has the legs of a horse and has been using DeGata hall as a race track. If you are truly a mythical creature why hide behind a desk? In response to this question, Mr. Gist’s press team did not get back to us.

Overall, while this discovery has major implications in the Oratory and scientific communities as centaurs were thought to have gone extinct years ago, it does not change the fact that Mr. Gist is the same athletic director that we know and love.