Elephants Aren’t Real

Nick Looney, Staff Writer

Everyone is likely aware of the fact that birds are not real. Or, at the very least, were once real, but have slowly phased out and replaced with the government surveillance drones we see today, depending on who you believe. But what if I told you we were on the verge of being surveilled by another, even larger creature, possibly one capable of laying down the law when it detects dissent?

Elephant truthers postulate that elephants were created in a government lab somewhere. Indeed, they are suspicious animals. Did you know they are the only mammal that cannot jump? If you factor in the chance of an animal losing all of the genes allowing it to jump, the chance of elephants coming into existence is 5000 times less than the chance of our universe coming into existence. Trust me, I crunched the numbers. The only logical conclusion is that the programmers of the Elephant v1 forgot to code in jumping, and now they just kind of have to roll with it. Their superpowered, strong and dextrous trunk, along with their sharp horns and huge feet fit to trample (their appearance, elephant truthers say, is based on the mythological Woolly Mammoth) make them killing machines. And how can they walk moments after birth, despite being so heavy, without the aid of machine parts? Their incredible memory is also undeniably the result of an advanced AI. Elephants are commonly depicted as war animals in our rewritten history books to subjugate us with fear of them, while at the same time depicted as friendly in modern media (see the animated elephant propaganda film Dumbo) to lull us into a false sense of security, while in awe of the beasts for their brutal capabilities. And why do we see such an awful onslaught of the poaching of elephants? For their valuable computer parts, of course. And, have you ever seen an elephant in the wild? Probably not. And if you have, it was almost certainly in the African Sahara or the jungles of Southeast Asia. The New World Order has quite obviously picked these places for their isolation and low population density to do a test run of our Elephant overlords. Elephant truthers believe that incidents such as “elephant revenge”, (when elephants kill people out of revenge for an action they have done, true story, look it up) are simply them acting on their enforcer protocols. But the influence of the elephants is spreading. Zoos around the world are slowly being stocked with them. No longer will the remote test locations be the only home of elephants. Someday soon, they will break free of their chains, and punish us for all they have seen us do. I implore you; ask your local zoo to inspect their elephants for wires and circuits before it is too late.