Ladies and gentlemen, I am staff reporter Sebastian Gould reporting to you live as the deadline for three monthly articles strikes. It’s Sunday, March 31st, and all Omega writers who do not publish three March articles by tomorrow will be subject to purging. As you can see behind me now, student writers are frantically scribbling SOMETHING to submit so as to stay afloat and in the club. Over there you’ll spy reporter Jack Mogen, who appears to be writing with both hands on two notebooks simultaneously, presumably to double his writing speed – truly an indicator of the chaos engulfing the staff today. Oh, and if you’ll look to that opposite corner over there, you may see editor Luke Bernstein, overseeing the commotion with an expression of concerned bemusement as he sips an iced coffee. Senior contributor Justin Oei is doing his best to keep things on the floor under control, rushing to organize the staff and provide some advice, but it’s no use. Oh! It would appear reporter Cole Noss, having left his third article in his car, has just jumped from the window to run and grab it! He’s running out to the parking lot now.

This madness you see unfolding behind me is due to a new rule in the Omega newsrooms instated by chief administrator William McCrystal just this month. Editor Daniel Carvalheiro-Santos announced to his reporters on the 17th, “Be sure to complete at least three articles before March 31st. If you do not, you will be purged.” Most Omega reporters, used to a system of submitting articles whenever they had time, when a school event had happened, or when they had Mrs. Gribbin’s class that day and didn’t want to face her sarcastic disapproval for a full hour and fifteen minutes, were unprepared for the surprise declaration. Now, with mere hours to meet their quota, many are frantically writing pieces for submission in between weekend events. Even twelfth-grade reporters, whose quotas were reduced from three to two submissions to combat the epidemic of the Senioriticus apatheticus pathogen in their population, are being caught off-guard today.

Omega News will continue live coverage of this emergency through the deadline at midnight tonight. Tuesday’s weekly staff meeting will reveal which staff members succumbed to the chaos and which were able to meet the three-submission minimum. This has been Sebastian Gould for Omega News reporting live from Summit, New Jersey.