Faculty vs. Seniors Basketball Game

Nick Looney, Staff Writer

The faculty vs. student basketball game. The most HYPE event of the year. This is when the Oratory community gets to see its best face off in a deadly deadlock on the court. This is when us students get to root for our chosen champions, as they take revenge for all the bad grades they’ve received in their years at Oratory. This is also one of the few times when the teachers are legally allowed to get aggressive with students. The teachers you see getting huge in the fitness center every day? They’re gonna dominate. The varsity basketball team? They’re gonna be up and down the court dunking on the teachers before anyone knows what’s happening. It’s gonna be intense. To prepare for the most epic game of b-ball of the year (bigger than the NBA championship) I sat down with Drew St. Amant, student council president and leader of the seniors, and Mr. Allan Parsells, Oratory’s athletic trainer and the leader of the faculty.

First, my conversation with Drew:

Nick: What have the seniors been doing to prepare for the game?

Drew: We have been getting in the heads of all the faculty members, especially Allan.

Nick: How do you think you’ll do in the game?

Drew: Easy win. We might let them get some points just to make the crowd stay interested.

Nick: Of course, of course. Now, who are the stars on the senior team?

Drew: Me, Nick Short, Mark Werner.

Nick: Absolute powerhouse trio. But which faculty member are you the most afraid of?

Drew: Mr. Sinden is a sharpshooter.

Nick: What would you say is your best quality as the leader of the students?

Drew: We as a grade have passion and dedication.

Nick: Finally, what’s your message to the faculty team?

Drew: We have Nick Short. You don’t. Quit while you can.

Nick: Strong words.


Next, I sat down with Mr. Parsells and asked him similar questions.


Nick: What has the faculty been doing to prepare for the game?

Mr. Parsells: Oh, well I have the entire faculty and staff going through sort of a modified concussion return to play protocol. We’re really working hard on increasing all sorts of neuromuscular training exercises, we’re looking at increasing our VO2 max just to make sure that we are in better shape than all of the seniors; which isn’t really that difficult, I’m probably in better shape than most of the seniors. We’re really working on bringing ourselves into that top tier so we can dominate anybody. First it’s gonna be the seniors, and then we’re gonna beat Duke.

Nick: How do you think you’ll do against the seniors? Domination?

Mr. Parsells: 100% we’re gonna dominate. This is gonna be my 6th game, we have not lost yet. I have no intention of losing. We are going to absolutely ruin people like we do every year.

Nick: Can’t wait to see it. Who are the stars of the faculty team?

Mr. Parsells: By far the biggest star we have is Mr. Seebode. Nobody knows him because he’s new here. But from what I understand, he jumps like Zion and shoots like Lebron, so, I think we’re probably pretty safe in that regard.

Nick: Impressive. Now, which senior are you most wary of?

Mr. Parsells: I’m not afraid of any of the seniors.

Nick: If you had to pick one.

Mr. Parsells: If I had to pick one, I’m gonna go with Casey McKee, only because I’m afraid he’s going to kick my chair out from under me, and then try to beat me up over a video game.

Nick: Interesting. With that said, what would you say is your best quality as the leader of the faculty?

Mr. Parsells: I’m a natural motivator, that’s what I do. I motivate our team to win. I’m also really good at the psychological warfare, I can get into the head of all the seniors, and then they’re going to forget how to play basketball.

Nick: What’s your message to the senior team?

Mr. Parsells: Don’t show up. You’ll be embarrassed.


With barbs like these being thrown between the teams and the history of faculty vs. senior basketball games, you’d be a fool not to expect some craziness. All your favorite teachers and all your favorite seniors, duking it out in brutal competition.