To quote Charles Schultz’s Christmas Time Is Here, “Christmas time is here.” The most wonderful time of the year is upon us, Rams. Get those Christmas lists into Santa and begin to get in that festive mood. As one of the most (self-proclaimed) festive gentlemen here at Oratory, I decided to make a list of songs you should stay very far away from this holiday season. While it may seem like I am acting like the school’s Grinch, Mr. Gordon (Religion), I am just trying to quarantine the cancerous garbage from your holy ears so that you don’t have to experience my pain. Before we begin, I would like to leave some honorable mentions of songs that have achieved a status similar to that of Tommy Wiseau’s classic The Room: so bad that they are good.

Honorable Mentions

DMX – Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

• DMX somehow makes this song hilarious with his new-age rap beat and vocal styling bringing a fresh taste to the classic.

Montgomery Gentry – Merry Christmas from the Family

• So this is a country song. Country musicians tend to be good with Christmas. This original work is just hilarious.

Dropkick Murphys – The Season’s Upon Us

• A true Irish Christmas. The video accompanying the song is actually better than the song itself.

Rappy McRapperson – Gimme Stuff

• Hilarious take on the commercialization of Christmas.

Bottom 10 Worst Christmas Songs

10. Any Rendition of Santa Baby

I don’t think any musician can make Santa Baby sound good. It always sounds like something is missing, maybe some backing vocals or instrumentation. It just doesn’t work for me. Every version seems like someone trying to act like Marilyn Monroe and then falling flat on their face. It just does not work and should be erased from existence.

9.  Justin Bieber’s Under the Mistletoe Album

Remember the Bieber that everyone hated, Well he made a Christmas album, and it is just as much auto-tuned garbage as you might expect. This should not exist and should have been left as some files left on a server. I don’t hate Bieber but this album should’ve been brought to the “Death of Disco” at Comiskey Park (if you do not know what that is, it’s pretty intriguing).

8. Tyler, the Creator – You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch

Tyler, the Creator is a great rapper and produced a great EP with music for the film, but this single should have never existed. It is too slow and does not fit with Tyler’s rapping style and vocals. I believe he can rap on any beat, but his rendition of Mr. Grinch almost made me turn to the Grinch’s side and help him rob Whoville.

7. Elvis Presley – Blue Christmas

Elvis, you may have had too many banana and peanut butter sandwiches before recording this one. The vocal styling that Elvis puts forth on this one makes me wonder how this man brought Rock and Roll to the mainstream. The random plucking of the Guitar at certain points just drives me mad. Elvis, you made me blue from your performance on this track.

6. Marc Scibilia – Happy Xmas (War is Over)

HOW DARE YOU SPIT ON JOHN LENNON’S GRAVE, YOU IGNORANT, “AESTHETIC” GARBAGE. GO BACK TO YOUR COFFEE SHOP AND QUIT RUINING MUSIC. Ok, Sorry about the rant at someone who I will never meet and now have no intentions of doing so. This song has a great backing track and brings something new to the song, but then they mess with the vocals. The pauses Lennon adds in the song allow the message to stick. Scibilia adds no pause between phrases. I listened to this song hoping that it would happen once, but it does not. This version also does not have the choir of the Lennon classic, taking away the innocence and melancholy joy of the original song. You may think it sounds new and fresh, but sometimes the classic can’t be messed with. Stick with your hipster following and *please* don’t ruin more songs.

5. Tiny Tim – Santa Claus Has Got the AIDS this Year

Nothing more to say. Santa got AIDS? Why does this song exist, you may be asking. No one knows. I still can’t believe this song exists. The premise may seem hilarious, but the execution of this song is about as funny as dead parents.

4. Destiny’s Child – Carol of The Bells

I don’t like Beyonce. With that said, do I hate her? No. I just think she is overrated and this R&B attempt at Carol of The Bells does not work. Firstly, because it is Acapella, and therefore, there are no actual bells. Secondly, the bell sounds that the women try to make sound less like bells and more like people trying to think of what a Bell sounds like and being told to hold it for twelve seconds at a time. Finally, it’s R&B. Not saying R&B can’t produce good Christmas music, but Carol of the Bells should never be attempted by anything other than an orchestra or an excellent acapella group. The Bells cannot be held out for a long time either, they have to be sharp and crisp. Beyonce can’t carry “Destiny’s Child” to make this song good.

3. Most Renditions of The 12 Days of Christmas

It’s just boring. You can’t bring anything fresh to this piece. It goes on too long. It is done by too many people. I did not harbor such hatred towards the song on my first few listenings to it, but as it goes on and the verses become more and more repetitive it becomes unenjoyable. It can be great on some versions (See Pentatonix or Straight No Chaser) where it is sung as an acapella caroling tune as it should be. Sometimes even the classics should not be classics.

2. Lou Monte – Dominick the Donkey

Dominick the Donkey, oh how this song is hated. The mere fact of this song’s existence is enough to make me question if God stays in Heaven because he is afraid of what we have done. It has one of the most annoying refrains of not just any Christmas song but any song in general. The song is bad and should feel bad. Dominick, help Santa at the North Pole and stay out of music. You’d be doing us all a favor.

So you made it here. Congratulations, I’m proud of you. But while I still have your attention here are some true honorable mentions, like so bad they are bad, not good

More Honorable Mentions

Vince Guaraldi Trio/Peanuts – Hark the Herald Angels Sing

• It sounds like your standard kindergarten concert with each character trying to be heard above the rest. It definitely needs the special to accompany it.

Band Aid – Do They Know It’s Christmas

• Too synth and not enough Christmas

Mariah Carey – All I Want for Christmas

• Just overplayed. I harbor no ill will towards this song, just that it can get repetitive.

And now the winner goes to….

1. Jon Lajoie – The Best Christmas Song

This is, in fact, not the best Christmas song that ever existed, but rather the worst. While the song is definitely meant to be taken as a joke, it is just bad. The 80’s style synth beat along with the child level complaining and lack of rhythm make this song utterly unbearable. Fear this song like The Black Death.