Beary Courageous: The Legend of Mr. Kearns

Beary Courageous: The Legend of Mr. Kearns

Addison Drone, Staff Writer

Mr. Kearns is the true man. He is part time English teacher, part time patriot. Many of us believe that he is this greater-than-life figure, but many do not realize there is concrete proof to back it up. So what makes Mr. Kearns this inspirational figure? Perhaps it is the fact that he fended off a bear some twenty years back. Upon hearing this, you all must want to hear the story….

Around 20 years ago, Mr. Kearns was minding his business walking around Eagle Rock Reservation. Out of nowhere, a bear came at him, and he had to fend for his life. The bear lunged towards him, and he took the hit. Fighting for his life, he was able to demonstrate courage at its finest. Arguably, he wasn’t even worried, to begin with. At the end of the battle, he looked down and marveled at how he defeated the bear, but he had no recollection of how exactly it went down. While recovering in the hospital, he wondered what prompted the attack. He came to the conclusion that it was probably the fact he walked past a nearby butcher and possibly smelled of meats. In a Yogi Bear instance, the bear wanted food, commencing the action sequence. From that day on, he decided, like a truly noble man, to keep this act of courage to very few people. He wants his students to view him as a teacher, not as a part-time hero.  

Due to Mr. Kearns’ humbleness, I asked Mr. Acquadro, a primary source, for his account. There were a few variations, gaps that perhaps Mr. Kearns missed while immersed in the action, so you can pick which one to believe.

Mr. Kearns had his first encounter with a bear at age 7, about 30 years ago. While the story given by Mr. Kearns holds true, Mr. Acquadro believed he left out some key details. As Mr. Kearns was eating his sandwich, the bear attacked, but Mr. Kearns had nothing to fear. Simply, the bear charged, Mr. Kearns grabbed it by his neck. Then, snap! The four-ton bear was dead from the moment it set its eyes on the warrior. The bear’s friends must have missed the initial encounter as the four of them charged at Mr. Kearns at once, but Mr. Kearns gave a stare, and down they went. Likewise, some three years after, Mr. Kearns encountered a sasquatch in the Pacific Northwest. However, in this instance, he showed mercy, taking pity on the beast and eventually teaching it the ways of the wilderness. Throughout his time with nature, Mr. Kearns has built up an alliance of furry friends that will always be by his side.

Mr. Acquadro also took some time to list off a few facts about Mr. Kearns and direct quotes that show his prevalence in society and nature. He is perhaps the most interesting man at Oratory.

-Mr. Kearns doesn’t have anxiety because anxiety is too fearful of him.

-Mr. Kearns once went for a walk and sprinted the whole time.

-Santa asks Mr. Kearns for Christmas gifts.

-Hulk gets angry and turns into Mr. Kearns.

-You cannot start a war with Mr. Kearns because that would imply you have a chance.

-He taught the dinosaurs how to hunt and kill. He is also the reason they are not here.

-The sun waits for Mr. Kearns to rise in the morning.

-He once met a jolly rancher, but, afterward, it was no longer jolly.

-When asked how much weight he could bench, he responded by saying, “all of it”.

-He once held up a bank…literally.

-Mr. Barresi lets him drive the Kia Soul.

-A venomous viper once bit Mr. Kearns, and it then died after five minutes of excruciating pain.

-“Settle down or I’ll have to settle you down”

-“Is that what the kids are saying these days?”

-“It’s not a threat it’s a promise”

Photo Credit: (link is attached in hyperlink) Fine Art America