Nick Browne: The Interview

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Nick Browne: The Interview

Andrew Lynch, Staff Writer

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Recently I took the time to sit down with Oratory’s finest, Nick Browne. A small and unassuming boy, Nick is often seen running through the hallways of Oratory Prep. He is known for his witty humor, passion for learning, and his mastery of the arts. A modern-day renaissance man, Nick Browne had his break-out year this year as he began the world-renowned “Lynch Chronicles”, became a prolific Omega writer, and began a revolutionary Campaign for Oratory Prep CEO. A man this great deserves to be known, and so now I share with you my exclusive Omega interview with Nicholas Browne.


Good morning Mr. Browne, it’s an honor to talk to you this morning.

Yeah, let’s get this thing over with.


Fantastic. First question, I’ve noticed you spell your last name with an “e” after it, is the reason for this that you love wasting people’s time with needless vowels or did a forefather make a spelling era when choosing your family name?

Yes we can and yes we will. I like the “e” because it makes me unique. But then again I don’t really knowe. Spell the “know” with an “e” on the end of it, I think that’d be funny.


As one of the most well-liked students here at Oratory, how hard is it to deal with the constant pressure to always be funny?

Oh gosh it really is hard. Sometimes I think of jokes hours after school and I stay up all night worrying about when I should use the joke or who I should tell it to. It really is irritating. But no matter what happens, I come in the next day and give it my all.


Where do you find the strength every day to wake up and push through the stress and pressure of being such a celebrity at Oratory?

The attention has always been a gift and a curse, but realistically I do it all for the fans. You know, I have those day-one die-hard fans who have been listening and following me since I was popping knock-knock jokes in freshman biology class, and it’s really their energy that I draw from to keep myself going.


You really are a remarkable human being. Who do you think was your greatest influence to you here at Oratory in developing your style of comedy?

You know what, I’ve always been one to look up to the legends. People always tell me that my old style of comedy was similar to that of Danny DeVito, but nowadays I look to men like Kegan O’Brien and Tim Hartnett for my inspiration.


So if you could sum up your role at Oratory in one sentence, what exactly is it that you do here?

I do me.


Wiser words have never been spoken. Who is your favorite writer on the Omega and what was your favorite article written by them?

This school has a newspaper?


All I really want to know is exactly who taught you to write so I can have them arrested and tried in an international court for crimes against humanity. Yes it really is that awful, don’t give me that face.

You did.


Alright, now to address the elephant in the room. As two Oratory writers, both of us are constantly competing to catch the attention of the millions of billions of readers who visit the Omega every day. So, are you ready to lay down your arms and admit that I am a far better writer than you?

No, I’m going to keep my arms right here and smack your face off your face.


Fierce. What do you think is going to happen to the Omega after the incredibly hard-working and dedicated seniors leave in the coming weeks?

Can you please just let me know what the Omega is? And I thought the seniors already left, they’re still around?


Not in spirit. Speaking of spirit, I recently heard you started running for CEO at Oratory, I admire your dedication to this school. So has the campaign trial been difficult for you?

The campaign trail has been the most strenuous time of my life. I’m meeting so many people… getting calls every day! You’d be surprised how desperate Oprah is to have me on her show. As a wise man once said “Mo money, mo problems.” Nick Browne 2016!


You’ve certainly gained my vote. Do you have any plans to implement if you do win the office after the election?

I plan to do a whole lot of doing! Enough messing around its time to get to work. All in, right now, right here. And as you can tell no, I haven’t thought of any real ideas yet.


I’m sure you’ll get to it eventually. What was the driving force behind your decision to run, your undying need for self-glorification or your unquenchable desire to control others?

Being an egotistical controlling self-reliant attention seeking maniac is one of my best characteristics, and honestly I ran for you, Andrew. I see you in the halls recently, you look sad, frail, worthless, devoid of any real meaning or purpose and I’m here to change that. If elected, I will dedicate everything I do to you (not everything that’s insane maybe one or two things at most).


I would appreciate that greatly. Also, I’ve been a big fan of the Lynch Chronicles since its inception. Everyone knows the seven time Emmy-award winning series and you, the famed director and producer of the show, but I would like to know how you came up with such a great idea for a crime-drama to bolster the Omega’s already impeccable ratings.

The good ideas…. they don’t just come to you. Like I always say, “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take, and Wayne Gretzky said that.” I tried to think… what could I do to boost the omegas ratings? After countless articles were shot down and destroyed leaving me in tears, I decided to take it to the film industry. Grabbing the nation by the pigtails and swinging them into the abyss of joy, suspense, and passion that is known as the Lynch Chronicles. Which reminds me, I don’t get why it was named after you because you were only in one part. I just think The tales of Nick Browne would be better but whatever Im over it why did you even ask me this?


My name has a lot more recognition than yours amongst students at Oratory, I’m sure it was just a ratings thing. There have also been a lot of tension between members of the cast over the use of time and money for the series, how do you guys always seem to stay under budget with such high-profile actors, detailed sets, and state-of-the-art CGI?

To start, I have no idea what CGI stands for so I am going to use my pass on that one. Staying under budget is really difficult. We actually had to have numerous bake sales and car washes to obtain enough money. The tech crew was really difficult to work with, all three of them always complained. We’ve had many conflicts and obstacles like the only camera we use being an iPhone, issues with getting crew members rides home, and even a scrap with a wild coyote on one of our sets. We’ve been through our fair share of trouble.


Remarkable. Now that the interview is over, I’d just like to ask how you feel after being interviewed by a professional like myself. Isn’t it interesting how an interviewer actually coming prepared and acting dignified and intelligent leads to a great interview? Funny how that works, am I right?

No, it’s incredibly uninteresting.


Also, just one last quick question, what do you think the chances of this interview getting published on the Omega are?

For the last time, what is the Omega and what is getting published there?


Ladies and gentlemen, Nick Browne.

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