Recently, Nintendo has announced its latest iteration of the 3DS family of consoles: the New Nintendo 3DS.  This is not a joke.  Nintendo has decided that slapping the word “New” at the beginning of the previous console’s name (the Nintendo 3DS) would be the best marketing strategy, because calling it the New 3DS isn’t going to sound moronic once the system has been out for a couple of years, when it is no longer “new.” This isn’t even considering what a newer version would be named.  Would they go the obvious route and name it the “Newer 3DS?”  Or perhaps would they go straight for the kill and name it the “Newest 3DS.”  Either way this is just the latest mishap in a long line of terrible names from Nintendo.  Don’t get me wrong, Nintendo has had some genius names for their systems over the years, but one can’t deny that they’ve been doing the best job lately.  The latest shining example of Nintendo’s inability to name things (other than the New 3DS, of course) would be the Wii U.  Of course, I understand their whole idea with the “we” and “you” thing they’ve got going on, and I get that they want to stay closely related to the Wii since that was such a smash hit commercially, but with a name like Wii U, it makes the system just sound like a slightly upgraded Wii rather than a next-gen console.  Same with the 3DS.  I will admit the “3DS” is an incredibly clever name, but it doesn’t sell the product.  It makes the system sound exactly like a DS, but it’s able to use 3D.  Once again, the system doesn’t seem like the next generation of Nintendo handheld games.

And don’t think other companies are getting off the hook for incredibly unimaginative names.  First, let’s talk about Sony.  I like the name “Playstation” because it describes what the system does perfectly.  It is a station at which you play.  Perfect.  Sony thought it was the perfect name too.  So what genius name would they have for the next console?  “Playstation 2?” Well…I guess it gets the point across that this is the second and better iteration of the Playstation.  Okay, I’ll let it slide this time.  What are you going to name your next console?  “Playstation 3?” Really?  Fine, be that way.  Maybe we can have the trilogy of Playstation consoles and leave it at that.  Hopefully next year they’ll finally think of something cool and fun again.  Besides, it’s the next generation of consoles after so many years of the previous generation.  Sony’s had a lot of time to think about what they’ll name their next console, so it better be good.  So what name do they go with? Playstation 4.  Honestly, it’s pretty clear by now that Sony isn’t even trying to sound cool.  They’ve just decided that they’ve created the greatest name ever, so they don’t have to try anymore.  It’s clear that Sony has gone the movie route of just putting numbers at the end of everything.  Maybe next generation they’ll fully commit to the whole name-them-like-movie-sequels thing and get a subtitle, like “Playstation 5: The Stationing.”  Either way, I’ve given up on Sony’s naming abilities, leaving one company left.

Microsoft.  I’ve honestly never understood the name “Xbox.”  I understand the original was a box with an ‘X’ on it, but why is it a box with an ‘X’ on it?  The whole concept never made sense to me, especially because on the Xbox 360, there isn’t an ‘X’ on it.  Also, I’m not quite sure if the ‘360’ in the Xbox 360 is referencing how the angles making up a square equate to 360 degrees or if it’s being contradictory with the 360 referring to a sphere even though it’s clearly a box.  Either way, the way Microsoft has named its console has always confused me immensely, but nothing confused me more than the name of their next-gen console: the Xbox One.  Why is the Xbox One called the Xbox One?  It’s not the first Xbox; the Xbox was the first Xbox and therefore more logically to be referred to as the Xbox One.  Yet still, the Xbox One defies all logic by being the third Xbox, yet still being name the Xbox One.  So why, then, is the Xbox One named the Xbox One?  Was it because the Xbox One was meant to be an “All-in-one” system that was supposed to replace your cable box?  Was it because it was supposed to be marketed as the first of it’s kind?  Was it because Microsoft saw the existence of a greater being, but also noted that this being does not directly influence our society past the initial creation of humanity, therefore wishing not to be seen as a god but only as the one and only being who created all that exists in our world, and named their console to honor his wish?  Was it because Microsoft is just messing with us?  The answer is unknown, and will forever be unknown, however the fact remains that the Xbox One, is the worst name for a console.  Ever.