The Abduction of Leland the Fish

Andrew Lynch, Staff Writer

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Written by Andrew Lynch

As journalists, we in the media understand that it is our sworn duty to always give the facts straight. But on some days, stories can be so tragic and moving that it is difficult to find the strength to deliver the news. With this being said, it comes with a heavy heart that I say that at approximately 3:07 pm today, Leland the Fish was abducted from school grounds.

Although Leland the Fish was not a well-renowned figure at Oratory, he did have a special place in the hearts of thirty young men on the cross country team . . .

About two weeks ago Leland was brought to Oratory in order to be a mascot for the cross country team and in his short time here he has instilled confidence and pride in many young men in this school. Unfortunately, Leland has been torn from his loved ones.

At 3:07 this afternoon, two men wearing masks rushed the cross country practice where Leland was swimming in a small orange canteen. Spectators reported the men yelling profanities, as they assaulted several members of the team before running off with the fish. A getaway van collected the two men and Leland, and sped up Morris avenue before spectators could get the license plate number. A few hours later, members of the cross country team were made aware that the terrorists who abducted the fish were seeking a ransom for the fish, although the team is unsure if they will be able to meet their demands.

Commander-in-Chief (of Oratory) Joseph Bizub was made aware of the situation, who raised the terror level from blue to purple today. Upon hearing of the abduction, President Bizub dispatched an Oratory Special Operations (OSO) team to break into the bio lab and secure the other school pets of Oratory, most notably Amos the turtle. A few fish were injured by the blasting charge that was used to break down the door, but all animals were accounted for.

At an emergency press conference, Mr. Bizub had this to say,

“Although the Oratory Student Council is not at all used to negotiating hostages from terrorists, we are doing our best to guarantee Leland’s release. The issue comes about with the budget. We can barely fund new gym equipment, what administrator is going to divert school funding to pay for a ransom for a two-dollar fish?”

Mr. Bizub has been in briefings with his school security council since the press conference ended. It is believed that Leland could possibly be held hostage in the tribal areas of Yemen or maybe in Henry Monaco’s locker. Either way, one thing is clear, these terrorists are serious about their demands, and it appears that no one will be able to pay for Leland’s life.

Leland will be survived by his parents Brian McReynolds, Max Hubbauer, and John Kolassa. Tomorrow there will be mass held in Leland’s honor, which will be followed by a candlelight vigil out front of the school later that day. We ask that you keep Leland in your prayers in this somber time.

UPDATE:

I talked to Mr. Monaco after cross country practice today about the allegations regarding him and Leland the fish and his only comment was “Take a lap.”

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