In recent times, I have noticed a disturbing trend at Oratory. Over the past couple of years, there seems to have been an exponential increase in Englishmen enrolled at OP. In my first few years at the school, I cannot seem to recall ever seeing the subject of the Queen on campus, but these days, one can hardly go to class without being offered tea and crumpets. The other day during gym class, upon scoring a touchdown in a rowdy game of football, I was approached by one Michael Townsend, who, full of invective and outrage, scolded me for naming a game predominantly played with hands after the foot. I was then treated to a lengthy lecture on the glories of the Victorian era. Again, but a week ago, a certain Rome Brachfeld (a noted royalist), in one breath simultaneously cursed each of the US presidents and every single signer of the Declaration of Independence. He then went on to praise the Crown and its accomplishments, calling Elizabeth “even in old age stronger than any US president”. I, of course, was disgusted. Elizabeth, while a nice lady, can hardly compare with any American leader. Let’s be honest, who appears stronger, this woman:

Or this man:

That is what I thought. I have been told in threat by certain of these Englishmen that the sun never sets on the British empire. That might be true, but it does not set on the Norwegian empire either, at least in the summer, so I have no fear of these Torys. Of course, we all know the tyranny of the British: illegally taxing individuals without allowing them representation in parliament, trying Americans for crimes in English courts, forcing families to quarter soldiers, requiring individuals to wear damp germ towels over their faces ostensibly to stop a respiratory virus far smaller than the gaps in the fabric, and other outrages of that sort.  It is therefore manifest that something must be done, or before we know it the Stars and Stripes shall again be subjected to the crown. Thus, there seem to be two options: A, we declare war on England, or B, we take away Ram tea privileges. I will let democracy decide which route we follow.