Battery Burglar

Battery Burglar

Nick Looney , Staff Writer

Something is happening at Oratory. Something sinister. Something mysterious. Something…. Alkaline. Last year, Oratory student Andrew Stelmach came to find that his mouse didn’t work. Upon further investigation, he found that the two batteries that were supposed to be in the mouse were MISSING. He raised the alarm and interrogated several students, mostly his friends. No results were found. The young boy went home and restocked his batteries. The next day, during Mrs. Pasnik’s biology class, he had to make a quick click, and, forgetting yesterday’s incident, left the object on the desk. During that period, the batteries were swiped yet again. It was likely someone at the table. The primary suspects, the students at the table? Sudyut Sinha, Jack Mogen, Richard Williams, Owen O’Loughlin, and myself. The interrogations were fierce but we all withstood. During this period, young Mr. Stelmach left a fully equipped mouse in the chemistry lab. Batteries began to go missing in other classes. In Mr. Gordon’s religion class, Stelmach was across the room from our suspects, yet a battery was still stolen. It had to be someone in close proximity to him, which added a whole slew of new suspects. By the end of the year, the student had lost 8 batteries, and no break in the case had been found. Then came the last day of school. He walked towards his usual seat, and all 5 of our original suspects were there. When he got to his seat: a Ziploc bag containing 8 batteries. The child flew into a rage but was calmed, and the memory of those painful weeks faded into the dog days of summer.

August 30th came, and Oratory started its 2017-18 school year. All was well for the sophomore class. Upon entering Mr. Cuddihy’s math class, Andrew Stelmach was horrified to discover that his calculator wouldn’t turn on. The cause? MISSING BATTERIES. The whirlwind of battery theft began anew. 4 batteries were now gone. Luckily, Andrew had come prepared and plugged in his spare batteries. They would disappear in the following days. In the first two weeks, his mouse was also drained of its power sources. He would later find his mouse from way back when in the chemistry lab. But the batteries there were gone too! Soon after the start of the term, Andrew Stelmach, Sudyut Sinha, Richard Williams, Jack Mogen, Cole Noss, and Ryan Del Rio, men close to Stelmach, went to the residence of Nick Looney. Owen O’Loughlin, a previous suspect, could not come, instantly proving him not guilty. While watching Netflix in the Looney basement, Andrew, horrified, realized two more batteries had been taken from his mouse. Not even Cole Noss wearing a lifejacket that he dubbed his “goblin armor” could tame Andrew’s rage. Now, here we stand. Two weeks into the school year and 16 batteries are missing, with another 5 going missing on the day this article was written. One suspect had his name cleared, although he may be an accomplice, yet two more students have joined our pool of possible sticky-fingered bandits. Stay tuned, and check back to the Oratory Prep Omega for a possible break in the case.

Picture from rightbattery.com