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Nintendo is KIDNAPPING our Children

Kevin Sofronas, Staff Writer

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If you or a loved one has played a Nintendo game in the past 30 years, the plot probably revolved about rescuing a kidnapped political figure. Well, it turns out that these plotlines were all part of a plan to abduct American children. These abduction-centered plots were all a scheme to desensitize the populous to kidnappings that will soon become the norm. In 2001, Nintendo rolled out phase 2 of their domination plan when they released Animal Crossing on the Gamecube. The game is about the player being kidnapped and taken from his home by anthropomorphic animals, and subsequently developing Stockholm Syndrome. Now that we know that Nintendo is planning to kidnap our children, what will they do to them? One theory being thrown around is that the children will be used for military purposes. Nintendo has been teaching our children military strategy via the Fire Emblem series. They’ve been teaching our children to pilot drones via the Star Fox series. They’ve been teaching our children to use animals as weapons via the Pokémon series. They’ve been teaching our children hand-to-hand combat via the Super Smash Bros series. They’ve been teaching our children to make death traps via Super Mario Maker. It seems that Nintendo is planning on making an army of our children after they kidnap them. “That’s stupid, my kids wouldn’t be dumb enough to fight in a war because of a video game!” I hear you crying. That’s where phase 3 of Nintendo’s plan kicks in. Last Friday, March 3, Nintendo released the Nintendo Switch. The Switch is known for the satisfying snap that the controllers supposedly make as they slide into the side of the console. You can hear the memorable snap everywhere in the advertising and in the system itself. What else commonly uses a snap? Hypnotism. That’s right, Nintendo is hypnotizing our children so that they can kidnap them and create an all-powerful military in order to conquer the world.

 

Photo Credits: Barnorama

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